Looking back at my life, there is one undeniable common denominator that was the catalyst in one way or another for demise of almost all my romances, the irreversible breakdown of countless relationships (family, busines, friendship and otherwise), the loss of too many friends to mention over the years and too many personal hardships to chronicle in this one blog. Bottom line: choosing music as a way of life has taken it’s toll – HARD. Which leads me to try to address a pertinent question that one of the few real friends I have left recently challenged me to answer for myself: “Why the f@#% do I keep doing this?”.

After all that I have been through and continue to go through on a daily basis, clearly it’s my undying love of Music that keeps me going. It’s only because I love Music so much that I choose time after time to keep at it, despite the fact that, truthfully, most of us in this game spend half the time feeling like Music doesn’t love us back.

As one of my favourite Buju Banton songs goes: “It’s Not An Easy Road/Many see the glamour and the glitter so dem think a bed o’ rose/Who feels it knows…”. Truer words have never been said.

Since I started this musical journey I have spent so many nights either in the studio recording or writing wherever I happen to be that my body now has lost all sense of regular time, and now refuses to shut down before the sun comes up most days, if at all.

Then my already tired ass has to go hustle to earn a living, pay bills and attend to my responsibilities as a parent just like everyone else – which can be tricky when you don’t get a paycheck every month or couple of weeks like everyone else. Don’t get me wrong – I’m not bitching about the money – just noting that it doesn’t show up on a on a regular schedule (usually) in this line of work, which sucks when you live in a world that expects bills to be paid at the end of the month, regardless of when your last show happened to be, or when your royalty cheque gets cut, or when the money for that commercial finally comes in.

As for relationships… pretty much all my exes will tell you flat out, if there’s a choice between music and personal happiness, music always wins with me. Some of them still might not understand it, but that’s the way it has always been.

When you live, eat, sleep and breathe music like I do, it can prove to be a jealous lover and a heartless mistress that will eventually wreck any home.

I’d be richer than Bill Gates if I had a dollar for every time one of my exes scowled and said to me “Damn – Do you EVER stop singing/writing/working?”, or “Why don’t you do things at THIS time like regular people?”, or – my personal favourite – “Why can’t you just get a regular job?”.

And that’s before we even factor in the groupie/fan-chick element, which can be the stone that shatters the proverbial glass house that is an “industry” relationship.

People think musicians are hoes. Musician’s girlfriends, wives, etc, are people too, so they naturally have that thought at one point or another, and even if – by some miracle – they don’t start out with that thought, TRUST that there will be a friend or a family member (or a complete stranger – perhaps even one of said groupies/fan-chicks) who will be happy to plant that thought in your loved one’s mind.

And all this while, as a musician, we’re already always fighting a losing battle against TIME.

Time – or lack of it – is a real relationship killer – and I’m not just talking about the romantic kind, either. Time is important. Friends, lovers and family crave it, but it’s a precious commodity that any true artist has very little of, because the majority of our time is invested in making the art that every true artist feels they were born to make in the first place.

Nothing is harder for a parent than missing a child’s birthday. Yet, my son was born on the same weekend that NY’s Labour Day (i.e. one of the biggest Carnivals of the year – and thus one of the most obvious booking opportunities) falls on, and my daughter was born right around Miami Carnival time (see previous bracketed statement)… do the math – nuff said.

My parents are so used to me being off working somewhere that they just accept it and find alternative means to keep track of me, just so they know I’m alive.

This is why my Mom follows me on Twitter – because she discovered I update it more often than I manage to tell her about my comings and goings.

This is why Horace (my father) has, on more than one occasion, shrugged his shoulders upon learning that I was out of the country for weeks, because he never even knew I even left in the first place, because i’m too busy to see him often enough to keep him abreast of my crazy schedule. (Feel free to re-read that last one if you missed the point the first time, it’s kinda deep in it’s simplicity lol.)

And as for “friends”… when you’re not around as much as you used to be, or as focused on them when you actually are around… , let’s just say it doesn’t make for a good foundation for friendship.

Worse yet, success breaks friendships. Success and lack of convenience.

If I’m busy making myself successful then I have less time to be a “good friend” and help YOU be successful. Additionally, when I actually BECOME successful, then I’ll be busy working to maintain that success, so that’s even less time and energy to be a “good friend”. And so resentment sets in, and another friendship bites the dust.

And yet I continue to do this music thing… why? Because I can’t stop. It’s what  I was born to do.

Besides, I have to finish this journey like I promised myself after realising how lucky I am to have lived through having a .22 bullet somehow weave it’s way through my insides without crippling me or having me bleed to death… and like I promised myself again while lying in the hospital years later, not knowing if I was going to actually live to see another studio. As I recall – at the time, I was happy just to get the I.V. out of my arm and the blinding pain out of my body, so that I didn’t have to keep asking for enough morphine to knock me unconscious.

And then there’s all the people that I have to complete this journey for, who can’t do it themselves or be here to see me do it in the flesh. Rest In Peace Shok, Sterling, Curtis, Iris, Inez, Cuthbert, Cox…

So I keep on keeping on. Because I have to. Because I can’t let everyone (and myself) down. Because God wouldn’t have put all these songs in my head (that never stop) and given me ALL THESE VOICES to sing them with if he didn’t mean for me to do this. Because everything I’ve accomplished has to lead somewhere.

Don’t get it twisted. I’m not feeling down or in need of sympathy; as a matter of fact, I’m stronger than I’ve ever been, musically and otherwise. I’m not wounded or hurt; I heal more and more each day, and get happier with every new growth I experience. I’m not lost or unmotivated, I’m more determined than I’ve ever been, cutting some of the best tunes I ever have (yeah I said it – you’ll see when the joints drop). Bottom line: this is about reflecting on what it took to get to what i see as my most powerful point ever, thanks to the best Team, support system and family anyone could ask for.

This is just a gentle reminder for myself, so that the next time I’m having an off day, someone will remind me to come back and reemember everything I’ve said and re-read this letter to the love of my life – Music.

Dear Music:

We’ve been through alot of ups and downs. The good outweighs the bad in the end. I’ll stick with you regardless of how bad you treat me sometimes, because I know this is what I was meant to do.

Always,

Vybe

Tweet This Post

Posted by: Mista Vybe at 3:52 pm | Filed under: My Life |

Leave a comment Share on Facebook

Tags: 2009, Mista Vybe, My Life